Battle Wounds

I have not written anything in a long time, so I decided to start back with an update about where I am at in my walk...


This past weekend I was able to go on the Westwood Women's Retreat to Orange Beach. I did not realize how much I needed to be there. I was able to spend time with my best friends and also have several sessions with a great speaker, Debbie Childers (who is awesome by the way).

While I was there God spoke to me about alot of my past.
He spoke to me alot about forgiveness. I realized that I was able to forgive people who have hurt me and I have been able to ask Him for forgiveness...but I could never forgive myself for things that I have done or been apart of. This was a really big burden that I was carrying around...one that I never seemed to lay down at the cross. I laid everything else down...why could I not let go of this? This has been what has been holding me back.

I have never admitted that things of my past were still things I battled all the time. The battle that I faced was not a physical one... but a mental one. Thoughts of my past would come up when I would be certain places...or see certain things...or hear certain music... or even see someone I used to be friends with. I kept the thought in my mind that my past defines who I am... I did not understand that when you have a relationship with Christ then you receive a new past as well as a new present and future.

While there I spent a very special time on the balcony of our condo with two amazing women, Crystal and Katie. I was able to open up to them and say some things that I have never in my life been able to say. They helped me see things that I was blinded from before. I think it is so amazing how God puts people in your life who can relate to the same things that you have experienced. I could not have had that convo with any other people. It was a beautiful moment...and could not have been anywhere else or with any other people. On the balcony listening to the waves crashing against the shore... after listening to a whole session on past/forgiveness/freedom.

The moment that I said aloud what it was that had me in chains...its like they broke. I felt freedom like never before.

I came home a different person than when I left.
After I got home I was replaying the weekend. And something so amazing came to mind.... it was about Africa.

This past trip I was so pumped up because I was going to get a chance to speak to the older girls there. We spent the week building relationships and getting to know eachother...and I spent a good bit of time with these girls that I would be speaking to.
Well, I never got the chance to speak to them... it just didnt work out. I was honestly heartbroken about it... I felt that this was something they needed to hear. I felt like I was supposed to talk to them about not having sex until marriage/how beautiful and worthy they are/how if they have made mistakes it is okay because God can erase it all and give them a new beginning if they have a reltionship with Him (stuff like that). All really good stuff, right??

Well... I figured out why it is that we didnt have time on this trip. Because I wasnt ready. God had more work to do in me. I just didnt know it at the time.
How could I tell these girls to believe all those things when I couldnt believe it myself.
I didnt wait until marriage. I didnt feel beautiful or worthy of anything. I didnt believe He would erase my past...I just thought He wouldnt look at it (until I messed up agian).
I could not talk to these wonderful girls...because I needed to hear it (and believe it) myself.
I couldnt talk about something I knew nothing about.

Well this past weekend was exactly what I needed. Spending time in the arms of Christ, spending time with great friends that I love, and hearing a love note that God had for me (and believing it!)
God is so amazing.

So I am free. MY CHAINS ARE GONE!